Jokes

Below are some jokes that amused me, found online.

------

Before Computers

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

------

Forest Gump and St. Peter

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." Related Image

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

------

Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

------

Marketing Speak

Cindy McCain discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther McCain, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther McCain; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting the Republican Party's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist John's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

"Gunther McCain was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

------

Simple Questions, Complicated Answers

Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?

I exist!

Long time no chat, I know.

Yet again, I'm not in the best frame of mind to really say much, but I shall update nonetheless.

Before anyone else asks: Yes, I have rats now. Do NOT ask me about them. We've been in a fight with the breeder for the two weeks since we've brought them home. Things are not going well, to put it mildly. So please - don't get overly excited and jumpy and hyper and ask how I'm liking the rats. I'm not.

Now, that being said, I do not hold it against the poor girls that they weren't socialized. They do have a sweet temperment and they are drop dead gorgeous. But they cannot / will not be held. I can't pet them, hold them, play with them, bribe them, anything. They see someone and run away. It takes a while but one CAN coax them into being little beggars that stand at the door, even if you can't hold them. You close the door and they cling to it (one would assume that means they weren't done playing/eating/whatever yet...) You walk out the room to, say, answer the phone. You return a minute later - they act like they've never seen you before in their lives. They race away to the farthest corner possible and shake and tremble and hide. The process starts over.

There. That was a brief rundown. Do NOT give me advice on this. Do NOT try to be helpful. Don't say something like 'well, if you work with them, won't they be fine?' Answer: no. We've tried this before. At this age, they're near impossible to adequetly socialize. If they're people rats, you can train them to do a million things at this age. But they need to trust us. Trust cannot be learned that much at this age. So please. PLEASE. Don't try to be helpful. I can guarantee that I've either thought it, tried it, considered it, etc.

Now that I've clarified the question that I'm getting and not wanting, let's move on to other topics.

Just returned from an overnight venture to C-bus. Friday dad and I went up to the Ohio State Fair. Spent all day there. I milked a cow and saw some cute pigs. Or, if you asked dad, I milked a pig. Mom wanted to know how that went over... so do I. I don't remember milking any pigs... Dad said that he was getting in trouble for being too verbose at work, so he said he got rid of all unnecessary words - and thus, got rid of the word 'cow' and 'saw some' leaving 'milked a pig' in the thought's stead. We saw some gorgeous horses, but unfortunately the horse shows hadn't started yet or had just finished, leaving few horses there. Saw several sheep and pigs - the fair boar was huge! Bigger than most ponies I've known. I wouldn't want to cross him... his bottom teeth were as big as my fingers. Saw a calf, who was sweet as anything. So sweet. Had some fresh ice cream, and various fair foods.

Stayed the night in Dublin, then got up the next morning to head off to Dublin's Irish Festival. I'm rather sad that I did not get to make use of the jacuzzi or the pool at the hotel. I'd really looked forward to it - I was too beat to do anything but sleep. I got my bread bowl with stew in it at the festival - usually I must wait until Renfest. This year, Renfest came early. ;) The festival was awesome, and different than Dayton's or Cincinnati's. This had a lot of booths, reenactments, etc, and not just music. Not that I mind just music, but it was nice to have lots of STUFF to look at as well. It had seven music stages spread out amongst the booths. I fell in love with an Irish Wolfhound. Oh man she was gorgeous. We watched the Tannahill Weavers (great Scottish group, been around for 30+ years), saw various other bands, and just kinda meandered about. We got back home around 1 am. Unfortunately, I fell asleep in the car within five minutes of our journey home. Thankfully dad was there driving, else I'd have had to get a hotel in C-bus again for that night. Absolutely beaten. I came home at 1 am, and slept till at least 3pm on Sunday, and that was when I got up only because I was awoken to go watch Wall-E.

Speaking of which, that was a bit of a letdown. I'd hoped for a better movie than that. I mean, it was cute and all, and Wall-E and Eve were adorable, but I was just overall not impressed. Bummer.

I guess I should cover Dayton as well. Dad and I went up for that Celtic fest as well, and there were some awesome groups I found. Slide and Scythian were both spectacular. Slide is from Ireland, and Scythian is from DC area. Of the two, I'm thinking more people that read this would prefer Scythian. It was a bit rock, a bit celtic, a bit gypsy, a bit funky. And I will admit, some of reason I liked them was simply watching them on stage. Talk about an energetic performance!

So that's that. Still job searching, still trying my hardest to socialize the rats, and so forth.

I apologize for such a long rant, but that is my update. Take it as you will.

Below are some videos I found on YouTube. I do not claim that any of you will like any of them, but watch/listen if you'd like.


Scythian - Tammlin (it cut out one of the best parts of the song, like the jumping around, but oh well...)




Scythian - not sure of the song, but fun humor clip




Tannahill Weavers - (not sure which song this is at the moment...)




Slide - Just So Far Away