Soapbox (aka, something no one will read b/c no one reads on here anymore :P)
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Parenting/Story?id=7693121&page=1 - Teens: Oral Sex and Casual Prostitution
Read the link before you read further. This is a response to the above article. It talks more about my views than really a discussion of the link, but it refers to it many times. It's a personal post, and long, etc. Just so you have the heads up if you don't feel like reading.
Also: I apologize for anyone that I may offend. They are my views that are given, and I mean no offense to any of my friends that may or may not like what I say. If you're curious if you're someone I am talking about, IM/email me and ask. But no, what's below is my view on life and lifestyle, and a commentary on my beliefs. Naturally, everyone's welcome to their own views, and again, no offense is meant to my friends.
Edit: If you want another perspective - actually, that of Steph, my freshman roommate from college and still one of my best friends, click here. She posted up a response to this post. We're about as opposite as two people can be on this topic, yet still great friends. It's a great read and a completely different view than below. I suggest, honestly, you look into it.
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Really, people? I don't get it.
Now. I know, understand, and accept that I am much more old school, much more romantic, much more naive than any of my friends, and more than almost any of my peers. Even with people in general, relationships included.
And before those of you who are trying to do something silly like make me feel better about something that I don't feel badly about in the first place, don't go telling me 'oh, you're not naive' or crap like that. For those of you who knew me in both high school and college - yes both, while just one or the other should be a suitable enough exhibit in front of you for this - yes... I am. The list below is about people that aren't close family. Just so you guys don't think that my family doesn't love me. :P
- I'm twenty three... and a half.
- I've never been kissed. (Yes. You read that right.)
- I've never had a boyfriend or 'romantic relationship'
- I've never been hugged in something than a friendly hello or goodbye between friends.
- I am either almost overwhelmingly close to my friends or very distant to other people - I don't have just 'casual' acquaintances. I have nothing to talk about with them and nothing to say. My intimate friends just want me to shut up, and half the time so do complete strangers. But people I know but am not super close to? No offense, don't expect a lot out of me.
- I find it terribly difficult to trust people and let them into my life. I've been burned too many times. It takes a very long time and a lot of effort to have you gain my trust - but when you have it, I'll defend you in anything against others, even if I think you're wrong. Because that's what friends do. But if you break my trust, it takes two or three or more times longer to regain my trust back to where you had been before you broke it. If you regain my trust at all.
How many girls my age do you know that haven't been kissed or such? Hell, all but a couple of you that read this are married, and the rest of you I know have had at least one sig. other.
Thing is? I did this to myself. And I don't regret a moment. Because I'm so old school and such a romantic that I'll wait for perfection. And for those of you who are married that I know read this - I already know you've found it. You're all so happy and cute together. I'm just not there yet. And I'm cool with it, and happy to wait.
All this about having sex when you're like twelve and fourteen? My God that's sick. It's sick and pitiful. I cannot for the life of me understand it. I don't like people being close to me, really. If a couch is getting closed to cramped, I'll sit on the floor. If there's a party, I stay to the outskirts - often emotionally and physically. Even if it's my party, I flit between different people so I can and will keep moving and not feel claustrophobic. (Only parties that didn't bother me like that were the MHS grads of 2002 - Beth, Brad, Daniel, Ben, Terra, Dawn, Erin, Keith... - and that's because, like above, they knew who I was, really, and accepted me for it. Awesome friends.) If I don't like my own friends being close to me though - why the bloody hell would I let someone get intimately close to me?
In college - sophomore year, actually - one of the guys I knew came over to return something to me in my room. I'd known him for a couple years, and really had no problem with it. Fine, whatever. But when he backed me into a corner, literally, and tried to kiss me, I (tried to) beat him up over it. Regardless of the fact that he's about 6'7" and a couple hundred pounds and I'm... not. Even though most of my attempts to make him lay off were rather pitiful, I moved fast enough that he had to at least hold up his hands to fend off my blows from his face. I managed to push him out of my room and lock the door behind him, though he kept trying to push back on the door as I did so. Only when an RA came around on their rounds did he leave. And while I honestly, still, don't think he meant me any real harm, it was still, to me, a type of assault. Because it was unwanted and I told him, very plainly, that it was. And he wouldn't respect me enough to back off when I asked.
I do not like being backed into a corner with no escape. At all. Ever. I will lash out, I will do whatever I can to make sure you understand just how angry I am. If I think I can land a blow on you because you won't take the hint, then so be it. And as I said, I think all he wanted was a kiss. But even now, remembering it, I was freakin' terrified. I was backed into a corner, I had no escape, he was in my personal space, and wouldn't take no for an answer.
And while I know that's not exactly what the article is talking about (because that's more harassment than consensual agreement) still... he was someone I though to be a friend (till, you guessed it, he REALLY broke my trust) and even so I didn't want him close to me. Physically, let alone intimately. Definitely not intimately.
I don't like to go swimming because I don't like swimsuits. Why? Minus the fact I don't like the way I look in them (or look in general: having gone to Mason and Miami, I may have gotten a skewed view of what people are supposed to look like. But it's all I have.), I don't like how revealing they are, honestly. I don't like being looked at like that. While I own a one piece and a few bikinis... I think I've worn them once or twice each? My swimsuit right now is amazing - tanktop and shorts meant for swimming in. I love it. Because it fits like normal clothes and isn't form fitting. It doesn't make me feel like I'm walking around half naked in front of who knows how many strangers. I can't even stand wearing many low cut shirts and/or dresses that, honestly, aren't all that revealing because I just don't feel comfortable with it. I'm very personal, and conservative. And am happy with it. Perhaps if I felt more comfortable in my own skin and how I look, I might change my mind on that - but it's highly unlikely. Because I'd still be looked at when I don't want to be. Now, form fitting tanks and shirts don't' really bother me, but they're also not super tight. Just form fitting enough not to be loose and baggy. That I'm cool with. But most are still often very high-cut compared to most.
Yes, I know this is a very rambling post, that bounces around from topic and story to topic and story like it's a kangaroo. Apologies. But that's just the way it's gonna hafta be.
So back to the old fashioned ideals - just the way I think about life, and my lifestyle, puts me in a very small minority of people - men and women both. As much as it very honestly disturbs me, the more I live, the more people I know, and the more I see... the more I am acutely aware of just how alone I really am in my thoughts. Not completely, no, but societally, yes. It's really quite depressing.
I'm an abstinence-till-marriage type girl. I'm a 'until death do you part' type girl. An 'in sickness and health' type girl. It's how I live my life, regardless of romance - I won't leave my honest-to-God friends in a lurch if I can in any way help it. I'll be with you when things suck and when things are amazing. I'm around for when you call at 4 o'clock in the morning because your hamster just died, or during the day when you just can't wait to tell me what happened. I'm there for my friends through thick and thin, if they'll let me. I will, and have, listened to your stories of drama and pain with your spouses or sig others. I've been a shoulder to cry on, and a sounding board for someone who needs it. I can give you an honest opinion, whether you like it or not, because you need to hear it. I'll protect you any way I can from heartache when you're getting into something that we both know is dangerous or iffy, even when your heart tells you otherwise. I'm that go-to person that's there all the time. As some of you already know. I don't lie to my friends, not when it's important. (Whether or not I just ran into that stationary wall, again, in front of the cam where you could see me... is not a valid point. That I'll grin and tell you no, I didn't just do that. But you already know better.)
I have no intention of giving away my heart to someone that I can't imagine spending every day and night with for the rest of my life with. I'm not someone who gets into a relationship just to say she was. Just to say she's been kissed. Just to have someone around. I am not a user like that - if I honestly cannot see myself with someone for the long run - sorry, I won't date you. If your views are different enough than mine that I have a problem with it - sorry again. I want someone who I never have to fear will cheat on me while they're out of town, or ever, really. Someone that will stick with me through thick and thin. That when I'm angry can realize that I just need to cool down, and oftentimes will feel badly about it later, and are patient with me. That are always there for me, even when I am angry. That will wait out the firestorm to hold me when I calm down and am almost in tears.
Someone who understands who I am, and where I come from, and what I look like, or talk like, and things I do - and loves me anyways, and because of it. That my randomness and quirks and crazy personality doesn't offend or get old with. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along - try being me, living with myself without reprieve. Actually don't - it's a scary place. You might not get out alive. But someone who understands that is who I need... and want. Not someone that will get mad at me for something I've done all my life, for my quirks that wear on them after time, that I feel will ditch me when all things go to hell. I need someone who understands my anger flares then cools pretty fast, and that just listening and a gentle hug is all I need or want. Not to be reminded of how I was wrong - thanks, I think I figured it out already. And if I haven't... I'll ask.
"For some of the girls, the sexual favors are not about clothes or money, but used to keep a relationship together in a chillingly objective way.
"I think there's very much trading for relationship favors, almost like 'you need to do this [to] stay in this relationship,'" one girl told "Good Morning America." "
I'm sorry, no. If that's what it takes for a relationship, no. Then it's not a relationship, it's almost like a form of subservience. "I have to do this so that I can keep this guy or girl". If that's the case, that person sure as hell is not worth my time. You just lost any and all respect I had for you. I don't really have much respect for sleeping with a significant other before marriage, let alone that. I want to marry the guy that respects me for me, that's my best friend through thick and thin, that I don't feel I have to have sex with - yes, even in a marriage! - just to keep a relationship together. A best friend is your best friend regardless of if you sleep with them or not. I have nothing against sleeping with your spouse - helloooo.... that should be obvious - but if that's the only thing that keeps a partnership together, it's no longer a marriage. A marriage is of heart, body, soul. Not just intimacy. A spouse is supposed to be someone who will listen to you because they love you for who you are and are there for the same reason - not just because it's expected because they're bedmates. And if, say, a sig. other of mine tries to pressure me into a situation where they want me to sleep with them before marriage... sorry buddy, get yourself a new girl. You're not for me. You don't have the love or respect of me that I thought you had. If you're not willing to wait for me, to be my one and only lover and I yours throughout our lives - before and after a marriage, before I even knew you - I'm sorry. If you can't suffer to wait like I did, why should I bother? I saved myself for the one person I want to be with forever and a day, and I succeeded. Why should I expect less out of my partner? Don't tell me you couldn't resist, that it was too hard - I did it. I can expect the same respect and beliefs that I have from my partner. Because it it is so worth it. My grandparents did it, my parents did it, and I can and will wait for that one guy for the rest of my life if I need to.
There is no way in hell I would strip for someone that wasn't my husband, be incredibly intimate with that wasn't my husband, make love with someone that wasn't my husband. I would and will never consent to breaking that promise to myself and to my future husband. I can and do expect the same promise to be given to me. I think I earned it, regardless of what society says. I don't like people being close to me in the first place, so it would have to be someone so very dear to me that I'm willing to pledge myself to them - by law, religion, and love - before I would allow them to be so close to me.
There's a new documentary coming out - as you probably saw in the article - about how 'oral sex is the new goodnight kiss'. Wait, excuse me? I do not THINK so. "Most teens think it's no big deal." Good God, are you kidding me? I think I will probably be as red as my laptop (for those of you who haven't seen it, my laptop is Miami Red) when I get my first kiss. I'm not used to it, I am not someone who goes around kissing people. Oral sex as the new good night kiss? No wonder it's so hard to find people like me. I don't agree, nor will I ever agree, with what's going on with that. People, it's still sex. It's still much too intimate for teens and pre-teens to be doing, and I don't agree with having it with someone who you're not married to as well. That's still a break in trust to me, it's still wrong. In the little video clip there, the host asks, do you think you're still a virgin if you have oral sex? As one girl put it, "Technically? Yes." And perhaps technically, yes. But honestly? No. You've already pushed past that. Even if technically you're still a virgin, you're not. That's too intimate to consider to be okay. There is no such thing as a 'casual sexual relationship'. Well, I guess there is, but it's still sexual. And it is a big deal. It's not something so flippant as these girls make it out to be -
- putting me back into just how old fashioned I really, truly am. I still expect the guy to ask me out, to ask me to dance at a party - I never get it, but I expect it. I expect them to open the doors for me, to be there to hold my hand, to respect me if I say no and not expect anything beyond what I'm comfortable with. If that's a problem, tough - people like that exist. My father is a perfect example, and my parents are amazing role models. It can and will work.
I am still of the mindset that you know, you fall in love with your best friend. Someone who loves you for who and what you are, and doesn't expect or want you to change. Someone who doesn't need to have sex with you just to maintain communication and a relationship. Someone who respects you, and allows you to say no and honors that without pressure. Someone who gives you an innocent first kiss, and is willing to take it slow to enjoy every moment - someone who you get butterflies and giggles over because they're so sweet and perfect you can't stand it another minute - even after years of knowing each other. Decades, even. That's a feeling that should never disappear.
Selling yourself or getting so damn intimate before marriage to me is unthinkable. Oral sex is still sex. Intercourse is still sex. Both are off limits to someone who isn't my husband. And my husband has to be someone who understands and agrees with that fully and completely.
So, while you can say I'm stepping off my soap box, I never really will. I was raised this way, and I will stay this way until I die. I expect the same commitment and strength of will and respect of a future wife that I intend to give my future husband. It's a lot to ask, but I'm not asking. I'm demanding. If its something I can do, the least I can expect is for someone to give me the same. It may be too much to ask, but it's the bar you've got to cross. I can't believe society is changing in this way, and it honestly makes me sick to hear about, even though I know the truth and reality of it all. I do. Between high school, college, and returning to high school to sub - I know the reality all too well. And it's so very depressing. I can only hope that, one day, I find my soul mate who understands me, loves me regardless, and has the same values and beliefs I do.
Again, I'm sorry for whoever I may have offended. And I also apologize for the length of the post. I just had a need to write this out and respond to this article. You know how atypical of me that is. But that's just how deeply I feel about that topic.
