Go for it.

Laugh at me. Make fun of me. Mock me. I don't give a damn.

I don't have many friends. I don't want them. You know why?

All they do is cause pain deeper than anything a stranger can do.

The more they know you, the deeper they know you, the closer they are to you, the more they're going to rip out your heart and cut it into pieces.

Now I remember why it takes me years to trust someone. Because then... then I assume they're not going to tear me to pieces. How ever wrong could I be. Those closest to you are the most likely to betray you. Kill you piece by piece.

Why did I ever learn to trust? WHY do people insist trying to teach that 'virtue'. It's meant to be broken.

One of the two people I trusted with my heart made broke it. So go on, laugh or mock me.

By time I read the comments or hear the words, my heart will be harder than stone.

It's safer that way.

Never did I think I'd feel what it meant to be 'broken hearted' because I never intended to let some guy break my heart -- I never intended to date anyone that I didn't think I could potentially continue to deal with and live with in ten, twenty years. Instead, I managed to have it torn in pieces by a friend I once knew, I thought decently well.

Damn it.





Damn it.

So go on, mock me. Mock the fact I'm a cold-hearted jerk. Mock the fact that I am friends with only a few.

Go for it.



But when I'm famous, and have these awesome fantasy books out on the best-sellers lists, when I'm teaching at that perfect school, when I'm famous and on TV, remember this:

I'm there and you aren't. Because that's all I can look after, really. Me, myself, and I. Because chances are, you'll ditch me too.

Just like everyone else.





Damn it all to hell.


Why? WHY?





Damn it all.

Title-less

People are still incredibly infuriating. I can't believe this people. Seriously. I must have a love of being walked all over the way things are going. I don't know why I even try anymore.



Other news.

Been up till about four each morning this week, working on proposals, abstracts, presentations, 'quizzes', papers, and handouts. Frustrated, very frustrated. I have a second chance to send in a proposal to the USNA History Symposium, due by noon tomorrow. I'm excited. I highly doubt it'll lead anywhere, but I sure as hell hope it does. The proposal for this symposium is the same as what I'm doing for my aerospace studies capstone. I sure hope this works.... Should also know by the end of the month if I'm in the summer scholars program this summer or not.... -prays to anything that's out there- I'd say you'd all be the first to know, but yeah, seeing as how most of you either aren't talking to me or manage to catch me when I'm stressed to the max, you probably won't know for a while, until I get around to posting. Unless your online and speaking to me. Then I'll probably remember to tell you. Yeah I'm a bit bitter right now. Two hours of sleep a day and only two people taking time to listen to me and take stress into consideration does that to a girl. Thanks boys, I needed to yell. Thanks for listening. You know who you are.


(Capstone Proposal)

Proposal Title: Life of Confederate Marines During the American Civil War
Proposed by: (me)
Miami University

I propose to write a scholarly essay over what life was like for a Confederate Marine during the American Civil War. I will explore all aspects of how the Confederate Marines lived and what they achieved during the Civil War. I will use journals from Confederate Marines as well as primary documentation about Marines of the time which are not written by Marines themselves.


Abstract:

Life was different for Confederate States Marine Corps (CSMC) than for their Union counterparts. Unlike their Union counterparts, who had been established since 1798, the CSMC was not established until March 16, 1861, and there were never more than 539 registered CSMC Marines, whereas the United States Marine Corps (USMC) had thousands of men at their disposal throughout the war, having retained many of the Corps that existed before the war. Confederate Marines made less money with longer required enlistment than did any other branch of the military. They often got the last of the goods given to the different branches of the military, and had to overcome obstacles that larger branches did not have to worry about. However, even lacking benefits given to other, larger branches of the Confederate military, the CSMC acquired a reputation for being amazing combatants and excellent at making ends meet. Their uniforms and equipment were different than that of the USMC, trading out the US uniforms and equipment for a more British style and appearance. The USMC first got to prove themselves during the battle of the CSS Virginia against the USS Monitor, and were called to perform many special operations afterwards and throughout the war. Although many records were destroyed after the war, the CSMC continued to retain its reputation as one of the best of the time, even after they were disbanded.

Frustrations

People frustrate me. What is it about getting a significant other that pushes all your old friends away? Why do you push away people you've known one, three, five, eight years longer than you've known your newest infatuation or something? I don't get it. I don't get why it's the girls that push away their older friends as soon as they get a boyfriend. Guys don't seem to do that, so why do girls? How come all the girls I know push me away as soon as they're with the current love of their life, but the guys just act like nothings really different and talk to me same as they used to? Why can't more people be like those guys? I mean, they're there with you side by side when things are going well for you both, and bad for you both. Girls push friends away when things are going well for them - I don't know how they expect people to still be there for them when things go to hell later on. Why should I be there when someone is having a shitty day, when they've pushed me away when things were going well for them? Doesn't make sense why I'd still be around to listen or talk then. I wanna be friends with people when they're happy AND sad, not just when they need that shoulder to lean on. Which I find is what people seem to want me there for. I'm sorry, but I'm just getting hurt one too many times to put up with this any longer. With five of my friends pushing me away as soon as they got a boyfriend, my caring is fading quickly. I mean if you can't make time for me when things are going well on your end, I don't have time to be there for you when it falls apart in front of your eyes. This isn't directed at one or two of you individually, this isn't an attack. But a few of you, I think, know you're the ones adding to my lack of caring. Just think about it from other angles, won't you?

I'm so confused and lost as to what to do. I don't get it; I don't understand. :-\


Oh yeah, and thanks boys, for being there to talk to. When you have a girlfriend and when you don't, when you're happy and when your sad, both.

Jeez! What did I do??

Moved back into the dorm today. Here's a recap of the last few days, including today, thus far.

My hard drive died Friday. I revived it just long enough to save all the information and then it died again. Now have my third hard drive in under two years. GO me.

Everyone at home's been in a bad mood.

Unpacking.

My suitemate is gone. I come back to my room and she's gone. Disappeared. Rumor has it she transferred back out of Miami to Akron, where she was before coming to Miami. Never said goodbye...

What do I do to these people?
Freshman year: Steph. leaves miami.
Sophmore year: Move out of first room, into second room. Suitemates move out shortly thereafter.
Junior year: Kristin. Leaves miami.


Grr.