The Laughing Fox

Live in a world of suspended amazement...

Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts

*whimper*

So, if for the next several days you wonder why I'm in a bad mood, sad mood, non-talking mood, this is why:

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/AB/20080103/NEWS01/801030392/



Daniel Ferraro died last night. Now, it was a stupid way to die. You don't go making pipe bombs to blow up an old wooden playhouse in your backyard, which is in the middle of a subdivision in a very populated suburb. You just don't.

But that's not the point. I knew him. He was Navy ROTC. He was in Pistol Club. He was my RA (and a good friend of mine)'s little brother. I have known him for a year and a half, because of all my navy classes. He was funny, witty, and just cool to be around. I always knew him as Ferraro. He was just a cool kid. He was also only 19.

This is the fourth Miami kid to die this school year. Two were hit by trains (both theoretically suicidal), one ODed on meds that he shouldn't have had in the first place, and now this. But this is the first guy I've known, and actually known, talked to, liked, and was generally good friends with, who has died. I've known others, yes, but it was a distant knowledge. Barely acquaintences.

Now, we're talking ROTC people here. They're a close knit family. I knew this kid. And I knew him well. I can see his face, hear his voice, hear his laugh, watch him play pranks. He was an amazing kid, even if he did do stupid stuff.

And I'm also good friends with Victoria, his older sister, my RA, and a good friend of mine. She's the one that taught me swing dancing can, indeed, be fun. She's dragged me along to dances, and convinced me to get out of the dorms (bless her heart). And now her little brother is gone. And I have no way to comfort her. And this hurts just about as bad. I know her parents, and I knew her brother. The only person I didn't know in her family was her little sister.

Visitation is going to be on Sunday from 4-8pm. I'm definately going, and for probably all four hours. I need to be there for them. I love that family, and I want to do all I can. The service will be at 10 am on Monday - I'm also going to that. They only live 10 minutes away from me.

I've been a complete wreck all day. When mom told me about it this morning, she didn't know that I knew him. But I've been crying and depressed all day. I'm just a complete mess. I can't focus, I can't concentrate, I can't do much of anything today. So if I'm not very conversational, I apologize right now. But I'm missing a great guy and grieving for his family and my friends. I'm not used to people I actually know really well dying. This is a shock to me, and I'm still trying to cope.

I hope everyone else is having a better day, and I will talk again later.

Random Snippets

It's hard to believe that it's the middle of September already. On Monday I'll be 22. Geez, I'm old. And you know, I'm really not looking forward to my birthday. I'm actually rather unhappy and depressed about it. I feel like I've done nothing in the last year, and that I'm old and lost and unable to get anywhere in life. So, happy birthday to me, yay.

I'm watching LOTR and relaxing. Kevin, my RD, gave me his packet on IU's grad school from when he was looking at schools. That made me happy. He's more than willing to help me out on this, which is nice. I'm putting up posters, which I still haven't gotten around to after four weeks here.

George is doing well. He's gotten more gerbilish, so bleh to that. But he's still adorable. And loves the TV. Or hates it. I'm not sure which. Either way, he comes out to watch whenever it's on. Classes are going decently well. Horseback and I aren't getting along. Sinuses and I aren't either. But my room has maintained a state of cleanliness all semester thus far. It's even organized. Mostly.

I am in a constant state of depression and distress when it comes to the GREs and studying for them, thinking about them, and so forth. I just want to sit down and cry.

Classics department cookout tomorrow afternoon. Celtic festival down on the Ohio Saturday. Birthday meal on Sunday, then back on campus for a meeting at 8 for the Classics club. Maybe. Depends on when I leave home.

And that's all.

Go for it.

Laugh at me. Make fun of me. Mock me. I don't give a damn.

I don't have many friends. I don't want them. You know why?

All they do is cause pain deeper than anything a stranger can do.

The more they know you, the deeper they know you, the closer they are to you, the more they're going to rip out your heart and cut it into pieces.

Now I remember why it takes me years to trust someone. Because then... then I assume they're not going to tear me to pieces. How ever wrong could I be. Those closest to you are the most likely to betray you. Kill you piece by piece.

Why did I ever learn to trust? WHY do people insist trying to teach that 'virtue'. It's meant to be broken.

One of the two people I trusted with my heart made broke it. So go on, laugh or mock me.

By time I read the comments or hear the words, my heart will be harder than stone.

It's safer that way.

Never did I think I'd feel what it meant to be 'broken hearted' because I never intended to let some guy break my heart -- I never intended to date anyone that I didn't think I could potentially continue to deal with and live with in ten, twenty years. Instead, I managed to have it torn in pieces by a friend I once knew, I thought decently well.

Damn it.





Damn it.

So go on, mock me. Mock the fact I'm a cold-hearted jerk. Mock the fact that I am friends with only a few.

Go for it.



But when I'm famous, and have these awesome fantasy books out on the best-sellers lists, when I'm teaching at that perfect school, when I'm famous and on TV, remember this:

I'm there and you aren't. Because that's all I can look after, really. Me, myself, and I. Because chances are, you'll ditch me too.

Just like everyone else.





Damn it all to hell.


Why? WHY?





Damn it all.

I'm faaaaaamous!

http://usspirates.blogspot.com

That should explain it. AHHH! Sooo happy.

I've been gone a lot since I got out of school - I apologize. I have been at 7 doctors in 11 working days. I have volunteered at the high school every wednesday. I have been at Kaplan courses every Mon/Wed night. I have vision therapy every Wed. Afternoon. I am ATTEMPTING to clean my room. I'm still exhausted / fatigued (hence all the doctors), so I sleep a lot. I have been mowing the lawn, and running up to Miami to acquire books of all sorts. I'm trying to do my Kaplan homework. I'm doing my research. And I'm trying desperately to talk to someone who said she'd talk to me two weeks ago and still refuses to answer IMs. >.< Now that one's frustrating.

Got a shot today. That was less than fun. But, I'll be healthier for it in the long run! Stuff like that I'm willing to deal with the pain for. With the world we live in today... yeeeah. I'll take the vaccine. I have two more doses to take - one in July, then one 6 mos from then.

I went to a butterfly show on Thursday. Did you know 23, 24 year old men act like 3 year olds when they're around butterflies and left to their own devices? Seriously! I felt like I was babysitting them both! But it was tons of fun -- I can babysit those types of kids. ;)

I'll put up pictures here soon -- I need to upload them all first. Two nights ago I went outside to take pictures of the moon and Venus (riiight next to each other - it was beautiful!) I had my regular camera, so it wasn't digital and had a telescopic lense. I then went to the corner of the street to take pictures -- and scared the neighbors. Not sure if they thought I was a cat burglar or what... but he came out and we chatted for a while. You know how scary I look with my camera! Yarr! Fear me! I should have good pictures though, once I get them developed.

So the latest doctor thought I was just seriously depressed. Am I? I'm only 'depressed' about one thing, and I can't fix that until the reason decides to talk with me. And I can figure stuff out. But besides being incredibly depressed about missing my friend that I angered last semester and she won't let me try to fix it.... I didn't think I was THAT depressed. I didn't really like that doctor anyways.

Okay, off to respond to the newspaper people, and then off to another annoying, irritating, infuriating class at Kaplan. Tata!


OHOHOH. Just came in. MIDNIGHT SHOWING FOR PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN WITH BETH AND NICK! And possibly Ben S. too!

So...

My last post was less than informative, I know.

I've been incredibly depressed lately. I'd say I don't know why, but I do. I'm stressed and I'm depressed. What a mix, eh? And before you can ask if you can help, no, you can't. So don't ask. And I don't really want to talk about it. I need to talk with mom and dad I think, but no one else can really do much, nor am I too willing to discuss much of it. Steph can probably drag some information out of me, if she's lucky, but she's probably the only one around anymore who can do that and get it. No offense to everyone else, just she was an awesome roomie and still an awesome friend and she's just that good. But if I've seemed a little out of it, it's not you. I'm just really fighting a lot of inner depression right now and considering seeing a counselor. Again. Didn't we go through this last year? Just different reasons.

Other news. I'm still really sad and hurt that Nic doesn't respond to me. (I think I can vent here, since everyone who reads this (like, all four of you) has heard my whining about her not responding, and I don't think she reads this anymore anyways. She's blocked me everywhere else it seems... or ignores me... one or the other...) Sent yet another email to her asking for SOME response. So, first letter, no response for almost two months. A couple IMs don't seem to go through. Second letter, no response. Phone, off or I'm blocked. Not sure which. But why leave a message if she doesn't even respond to emails? Probably not helping my depression at all, because I miss talking to her, laughing with her, roleplaying with her, griping about tests with her. Hell, she was my friend. I'd like to think she still is, but she's made it quite clear that, even if I'd like to think that, I'm *definitely* not in her life anymore. She's made sure of that. So I'm not sure which hurts more, her apparently not wanting to be friends anymore, after years of being so, or her completely ignoring me and blocking me from everything. I really don't think this is helping my depression either. At all. There went the only other person besides Steph who actually *understood* and didn't just listen. I just wish she'd get over her pride and tell me SOMETHING, even if it's just 'you suck'. I don't know why, when she always wanted to talk things out, why she won't talk this out. I just don't get it. I know most of you said its not worth your time stressing over, but I do. I always have.


Happier news. Think I got to get a picture of the raccoon this evening. Spent about two hours in the nature preserve tonight. Very good for the soul. Watched the ROTC marines do... whatever ROTC marines do. Not too sure. But they were doing it well. Tonight's animal tally: 1 raccoon, 4 deer, 12 vultures, 1 woodpecker, and 8 idiotic students going down the creek in rafts. This is probably a huge reason as to why the beavers didn't come out tonight.

Next weeks items: Monday - Paper due, project/presentation over Perelieu due. Tuesday - Project/presentation over Kent State Massacre due. Wednesday - .... nothing yet..... Thursday - Project/presentation over War of Mexican Independence due. Friday - .... home? Not sure yet. But it's Friday. Nuff said.


Alright, well I'm going to clean my room, maybe that will cut down some of the stress and depression. Put in a movie as I work. Lots and lots to do, and no energy to do it! IM me or call me to talk, I'll be around. Sooner or later. :)

Been a while, no?

Eh well. Almost all of you know what's been going on, and that's good enough. So I don't really know why I'm posting this. THe only person that doesn't know what's going on is refusing to talk to me (court's in her hands now, then again, most of you knew that too). So yeah. Right now: sick as hell, spent 7 hours in a parking lot because my car died yesterday, spent about 18 hours in Lenscrafters over the last two weekends, unable to read or see, and wishing someone got over her own damn pride and would talk to me.

Guess she answered my questions though. Like, where I stand. Apparently nowhere.

Thanks Steph, Leigh, Mike, Jordan, Ben M., Ben H., etc... nice to have people to listen and talk to.




Why is someone shooting rockets from right above my room.... I know it's right above my room cuz it's loud, smokey, and I can see the smoke coming from the room down to mine, and it smells like fireworks smoke... ich. I don't want my room blown up.

Oh, and dad got me some cute teddies for V-day. :D

Okay, well, I'll talk to most of you soon. As always, you can catch me online.

Woah long time!

Hey y'all, been a while. Been busy with classes and the like. Been getting a lot of grief from professors and faculty about wanting to go to grad school, which is making me dig my heels in deeper. Blah. And I need to pay lacrosse peoples. Grr. Been rather depressed and frustrated lately, with different people and things going on in my life. Some of you know what I'm talking about (well, probably just Mike), others of you really... don't. Maybe cuz Mike's the only one who's taken time to talk with me lately. Thank the stars for our Tues/Thurs lunches. They're keeping me sane.

Below, if anyone's interested, is a rant I just had on my message board for ethics class. Feel free to respond with your own opionions or discussions - just no attacks please. Either on my views or on others. Play nice peoples.

----------------------------------------

So I believe the question for this forum is about whether or not we feel there is or is not a higher moral standard for military personnel, and perhaps whether or not there should be. If I'm completely mistaken and heard that wrong... oh well, it's an interesting topic anyways.


I believe that whether for good or for bad, the American population has the belief that their soldiers should have a higher moral standard than the rest of the Americans. It has come from diplomacy issues and international affairs, and how we are portrayed abroad and with our neighboring nations. The public has come to believe that the people overseas in, for example, Iraq, are the face of Americans nationwide and therefore must put their best foot forward and look and act better than 'typical' Americans. We have come to see soldiers as 'bad' people for making human mistakes. Yes, there are several instances lately where the 'bad' people were most definitely bad people. But other times, there have been simply human mistakes which have been made and the media made a big deal over it due to the fact that soldiers are such visible players in this huge chess game. There the ones that are the most visible and most directly in the media spotlight. From there, the media makes a big fuss if someone is simply human and isn't immortally perfect. No one's perfect. (Sorry guys. I hate to dash some of your hopes.)

Personally I believe that although military personnel have more rules and regulations to follow, and I think for good reason, to demand that they have a higher 'moral' standard is nonsense. You can follow rules without being moral, you can be moral and not follow rules. The good people will be good people with or without the military telling them to be perfect. The unmoral people can follow orders while still not being moral people. As hard as the military can sometimes try, it can't change everything a person learned for the first 18-20 years of their life from friends and family. True people can change, but the majority of people won't change that much, overall.

I think that the course of time has made it difficult for us to understand the foundations our military was based off of: a militia. Simple, every day people. Farmers, carpenters, coopers, lawyers, rebels. Common folk. People could just pick up arms, work together, and fight. There was none of this huge 'higher moral for the military people' because the 'military people' were your next door neighbors who had jobs other than fighting, unless you count the drunks at the pubs.... But our military was based off of common people fighting for a common ideal. Our military now, is just American citizens volunteering their lives to fight for a common ideal. Has it really changed so much? Sure, the military personnel are the people in uniform overseas (and at home, too) that people can pick out of a crowd immediately. Yeah, they need good morals, but not necessarily 'better' or 'higher' morals. Perhaps they have simply kept the same standards from ages past, and the American people have simply degraded in their morals? Could that be the rift between civilian and military? That maybe the 'common' person has lower morals than we used to?

This separation of morals, as it gets ingrained into society, just pushes the military and American populous farther apart. No one side has better or higher moral standards than the other, when it comes down to it. It's just stressed more in the military environment. It's just one more thing to push the military and populous farther apart. I walked into one of my first naval science classes last year and got this look and muted whispers of "Geez, look, it's a civilian". Two years and seven navy classes later (and three AF classes), you know what I've found? There's really no difference. Even when visiting officers drop by, or the officers teaching the classes, or the Midshipmen or Cadets, there's really no huge difference except a greater grasp of government knowledge. I'm no more or less moral than any of the other people here. I've really not seen any Midshipmen or Cadets or officers that seem to have a 'higher moral standard' than every other person I know. They drink underage just as much as other college students. They probably cheat just as much as other college students too - remember that statistic for doctors? Officers like to play pranks just as much as other adults. They have the same trouble and worries as well. They can make bad decisions. So where's the higher moral standard? Heck, where's the different moral standard?

I don't think there is a higher moral standard for military personnel, nor should there be. I believe that if someone does something wrong, they should be punished. Abu Ghraib and the rape cases - yeah, you know, that was stupid and they need to be punished. But on the same note, I don't care if they're military or not. I'd say that prison guards and rapists that aren't in the military need just as harsh a punishment. If the military is the face of the government, they need to stick to good morals, I agree. But if people in other countries are really that interested in seeing what Americans are like, they just need to go online. There are murders and rapes every day. People are letting immigrants, although illegal, to die in the back of an unheated truck and die of overheating and dehydration. Vice President Cheney shoots campaign contributors on quail hunts...

Military people are just normal people with a different profession than other people. When they're home they're just as much a citizen as I am. When they retire, they're citizens again. I think that the 'higher moral standard' has been emphasized by the media, and nothing more.