When Music Says A Million Thoughts

If You're Gonna Fly Away
Faith Hill

If you're gonna fly away
Don't fly without me
Don't go nowhere
I need you babe
Has the sun gone down on you
Have you given up on truth
I wish I could say all the right things
To make your pain go away

I wish you knew how beautiful you are in every way
When the world is falling down
Just kneel with me and pray

If you're gonna fly away
Don't fly without me
Don't run away
I need you babe
If you're gonna leave this place
Take me with you
I could never live without you

So you'll take a thousand pills,hoping to be numb
Lie awake in bed counting all that's wrong
No one understands,no one ever will
Trust me when I tell you,I know just how you feel
You had all these dreams
But your small town,they killed them for you
You had nothing else to do
But to use and use and use and use

If you're gonna fly away
Don't fly without me
Don't run away
I need you babe
If you're gonna leave this place
Take me with you
I could never live without you

Just sing a song for me baby
It's not as bad as it seem,no no
What matters today won't matter tomorrow
Count all your blessings
Instead of all your sorrows

If you're gonna fly away
Don't fly without me
Don't run away
I need you babe
If you're gonna leave this place
Take me with you
I could never live without you


~*~*~*~*~*~


Dust in the Wind
Kansas

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind

Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind


~*~*~*~*~*~

Iris
Goo Goo Dolls


And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Rawrg.

Yes. Rawrg.

So, it may be a trick, but now that I'm at home, guess what. My wired internet is back. Now, it's said that at Miami too. But then it disappears. This... has been stable for several hours. Rawrg. I want stable internet at Miami, too!

I have a crapload to do. Primarily, application crap. I hate applications. I hated them in high school, and I hate them even more now, esp. when my grades are worse than they were in HS. And so are my scores. I get stupider the more schooling I have, I swear. But I'm pretty freaked out by this whole ordeal. And don't anyone tell me 'of course you'll get in somewhere'. I'm tired of hearing it. I want to gripe and complain. And no, 'of course' is not an 'of course'. Grad school is not equal to under grad school. No, my grades and scores are not bad. But neither are they good. IN COMPARISON to what grad schools desire, are looking for, and can get. I am really just hoping SOMEONE of value will both take me and pay for me to work for them.

I wish someone had told me in high school to go to a easy school, like UC, for undergrad. Then I would have gotten A's, had time to do nothing while half my class sat in jail, and I'd be like a golden child for these schools. But no, I go to Miami. Where stuff is stupidly hard. For no good reason. Like multiple guess and random identifications on history exams. WHY would you do that for a history class? You WRITE in history. You don't do particulars. You do connections and themes and analyzing crap. You don't write about random dude on page 468 of book XLDSR for a page on an in class exam. Seriously. That ain't history, y'all. That just plain stupid, hear me?

Yeah. So. Sleep now. Home for 'break'. Let's see if I get one.

Random Snippets

It's hard to believe that it's the middle of September already. On Monday I'll be 22. Geez, I'm old. And you know, I'm really not looking forward to my birthday. I'm actually rather unhappy and depressed about it. I feel like I've done nothing in the last year, and that I'm old and lost and unable to get anywhere in life. So, happy birthday to me, yay.

I'm watching LOTR and relaxing. Kevin, my RD, gave me his packet on IU's grad school from when he was looking at schools. That made me happy. He's more than willing to help me out on this, which is nice. I'm putting up posters, which I still haven't gotten around to after four weeks here.

George is doing well. He's gotten more gerbilish, so bleh to that. But he's still adorable. And loves the TV. Or hates it. I'm not sure which. Either way, he comes out to watch whenever it's on. Classes are going decently well. Horseback and I aren't getting along. Sinuses and I aren't either. But my room has maintained a state of cleanliness all semester thus far. It's even organized. Mostly.

I am in a constant state of depression and distress when it comes to the GREs and studying for them, thinking about them, and so forth. I just want to sit down and cry.

Classics department cookout tomorrow afternoon. Celtic festival down on the Ohio Saturday. Birthday meal on Sunday, then back on campus for a meeting at 8 for the Classics club. Maybe. Depends on when I leave home.

And that's all.

Go for it.

Laugh at me. Make fun of me. Mock me. I don't give a damn.

I don't have many friends. I don't want them. You know why?

All they do is cause pain deeper than anything a stranger can do.

The more they know you, the deeper they know you, the closer they are to you, the more they're going to rip out your heart and cut it into pieces.

Now I remember why it takes me years to trust someone. Because then... then I assume they're not going to tear me to pieces. How ever wrong could I be. Those closest to you are the most likely to betray you. Kill you piece by piece.

Why did I ever learn to trust? WHY do people insist trying to teach that 'virtue'. It's meant to be broken.

One of the two people I trusted with my heart made broke it. So go on, laugh or mock me.

By time I read the comments or hear the words, my heart will be harder than stone.

It's safer that way.

Never did I think I'd feel what it meant to be 'broken hearted' because I never intended to let some guy break my heart -- I never intended to date anyone that I didn't think I could potentially continue to deal with and live with in ten, twenty years. Instead, I managed to have it torn in pieces by a friend I once knew, I thought decently well.

Damn it.





Damn it.

So go on, mock me. Mock the fact I'm a cold-hearted jerk. Mock the fact that I am friends with only a few.

Go for it.



But when I'm famous, and have these awesome fantasy books out on the best-sellers lists, when I'm teaching at that perfect school, when I'm famous and on TV, remember this:

I'm there and you aren't. Because that's all I can look after, really. Me, myself, and I. Because chances are, you'll ditch me too.

Just like everyone else.





Damn it all to hell.


Why? WHY?





Damn it all.

Other Updates

Campus was filled with police today. -shiver- It was kinda weird... I'm not used to noticing them. But I saw two pairs of cops walking around, and everywhere I looked there was a police car/SUV in sight. I think just walking from Millett to Upham I came across four different police vehicles and two sets of cops. (For non-Miami peeps, that's about a 10 minute walk... down a street and across a two lane state highway. Two roads doesn't usually account for many cop cars.) It was surreal. Usually the cops don't have many visible weapons on them. Today... -shiver- They had guns today. Mace, guns, batons, whole shebang. I mean that much just doesn't really happen around sleepy Oxford. So yeah... just kinda surreal. We'll see if there's that much around tomorrow morning when I go back to Upham.


Other news. Early Saturday morning a 19 year old Miami girl was found dead on the train tracks around 3:30am, after a train had unknowingly hit her at 1:45 that morning. Didn't even know. Second train that comes through is the one that noticed her. She was drunk as hell. Blood alcohol level was .299. Seriously now. I know it's not nice to speak ill of the dead, but seriously now. That's just stupid. Kinda like having a memorial to kids who died in a house fire that THEY STARTED and were too drunk to notice, and tampered with all safty precautions. I'm sorry she's dead, but that's what you get for being irresponsible. Those trains blow their whistles quite loud - I can hear them with my windows closed, fan on, over a mile away. It's horrible she's dead - she sounds like she was a really cool girl. But add this to my mile-long list of reasons why more than one drink is a really really bad idea. And that even one is questionable if you're not home with people you're safe with. I know I don't trust many people here to help me if I were drunk - school's not a good place for that stuff. I think Mike and Jordan are the only two people I trust to you know, get me home in one piece if I were ever stupid enough to get drunk. (Ha, right. I still have a bottle of mead in my fridge I need to finish. I've had it all semester. Hrm.)

I'm thinking I can get Jordan to do some more RPing with me and finish a story we started. I started reading old ones of mine and Nic's - damn they were good. I'm sure they still could be, but she'd have to respond to me first... >.< And that looks like that'll never happen again... -groans and holds head- We still have one that was just getting good and started... I wish she wasn't so mad at me, and just civilly talk things out. Somewhere ... we got wires crossed. But it's kinda hard to uncross them from one side. Nicky, if you DO ever read this, please, just talk to me one day. Please. I'm begging you. I can't ever get ahold of you, so please. One day. Please just talk to me. I want to work things out. I miss talking to you and telling you some really cool things that I know would make you laugh, or things that only you'd get cuz you just know me that well. Please Nicky.


Other, hopefully happier news. Friday night I'm going to Colonel Stohry's house for dinner with a few other people. Smart casual - my new black pants sure have come in handy! I'm really excited. Col. Stohry's so cool. And the guys that'll be there are too. So I'll pack before I go there, then drive home afterwards. The Smiths are coming in for the weekend, so who knows if they'll get home before or after me. I haven't seen them in a year or so, at least. I'm always gone when they're here, and I don't go to Indy much anymore, so don't see them there. I'm reffing Saturday at Kings @ 10am. Quite excited. Okay not really, but it's money. I also have a paper due Friday, as well as the chore of getting all my decorations down.... yeeeah you know how much time that is for me? Took forever getting those blasted things ON the walls....

Okay, I need sleep. Good night, sweet dreams, peace out.

A very brief update

Finally over the flu. Somewhat. Still tired all the time, and achy. Was in the ER, am now out of the ER. Obviously. Unable to go to any classes two weeks ago due to the stupid flu. Spent my entire spring break trying to get over the flu. Still not really over, but at least no longer infected. Just trying to recooperate from throwing up several times a day, coughing about four times every three minutes (yes, someone made a point to count), having a fever and being unable to sit up. Slept most of break. Now trying to frantically finish a paper due tomorrow (rough draft, thankfully), figure out graduation (Graduate early? Study abroad second semester? What to do with only needing 11 hours to graduate after summer?), figure out scheduling, figure out what session of the GRE classes I want to take, figure out HOW TO SUCCEED on the stupid GRE, vacation to CA, finish my capstone, get started and finish my four other papers, and so forth. Vaugely busy. And still, yes, sick and anemic. Cuz after being sick for two weeks and being unable to really eat during that time (and keep it in if i did eat), needless to say my I couldn't take iron and ZOOF there went what little control I had over my anemia, which is back in the bowels of despair. And I'm absolutely exhausted, anemic, and sick. Go me!

Okay that's my update.

PS. Leigh you suck, making me get an LJ. :-P I'll get to it later.

PPS. MSN hates me. Currently isn't working. Catch me on AIM - even if I have an away message up.

Been a while, no?

Eh well. Almost all of you know what's been going on, and that's good enough. So I don't really know why I'm posting this. THe only person that doesn't know what's going on is refusing to talk to me (court's in her hands now, then again, most of you knew that too). So yeah. Right now: sick as hell, spent 7 hours in a parking lot because my car died yesterday, spent about 18 hours in Lenscrafters over the last two weekends, unable to read or see, and wishing someone got over her own damn pride and would talk to me.

Guess she answered my questions though. Like, where I stand. Apparently nowhere.

Thanks Steph, Leigh, Mike, Jordan, Ben M., Ben H., etc... nice to have people to listen and talk to.




Why is someone shooting rockets from right above my room.... I know it's right above my room cuz it's loud, smokey, and I can see the smoke coming from the room down to mine, and it smells like fireworks smoke... ich. I don't want my room blown up.

Oh, and dad got me some cute teddies for V-day. :D

Okay, well, I'll talk to most of you soon. As always, you can catch me online.

Title-less

People are still incredibly infuriating. I can't believe this people. Seriously. I must have a love of being walked all over the way things are going. I don't know why I even try anymore.



Other news.

Been up till about four each morning this week, working on proposals, abstracts, presentations, 'quizzes', papers, and handouts. Frustrated, very frustrated. I have a second chance to send in a proposal to the USNA History Symposium, due by noon tomorrow. I'm excited. I highly doubt it'll lead anywhere, but I sure as hell hope it does. The proposal for this symposium is the same as what I'm doing for my aerospace studies capstone. I sure hope this works.... Should also know by the end of the month if I'm in the summer scholars program this summer or not.... -prays to anything that's out there- I'd say you'd all be the first to know, but yeah, seeing as how most of you either aren't talking to me or manage to catch me when I'm stressed to the max, you probably won't know for a while, until I get around to posting. Unless your online and speaking to me. Then I'll probably remember to tell you. Yeah I'm a bit bitter right now. Two hours of sleep a day and only two people taking time to listen to me and take stress into consideration does that to a girl. Thanks boys, I needed to yell. Thanks for listening. You know who you are.


(Capstone Proposal)

Proposal Title: Life of Confederate Marines During the American Civil War
Proposed by: (me)
Miami University

I propose to write a scholarly essay over what life was like for a Confederate Marine during the American Civil War. I will explore all aspects of how the Confederate Marines lived and what they achieved during the Civil War. I will use journals from Confederate Marines as well as primary documentation about Marines of the time which are not written by Marines themselves.


Abstract:

Life was different for Confederate States Marine Corps (CSMC) than for their Union counterparts. Unlike their Union counterparts, who had been established since 1798, the CSMC was not established until March 16, 1861, and there were never more than 539 registered CSMC Marines, whereas the United States Marine Corps (USMC) had thousands of men at their disposal throughout the war, having retained many of the Corps that existed before the war. Confederate Marines made less money with longer required enlistment than did any other branch of the military. They often got the last of the goods given to the different branches of the military, and had to overcome obstacles that larger branches did not have to worry about. However, even lacking benefits given to other, larger branches of the Confederate military, the CSMC acquired a reputation for being amazing combatants and excellent at making ends meet. Their uniforms and equipment were different than that of the USMC, trading out the US uniforms and equipment for a more British style and appearance. The USMC first got to prove themselves during the battle of the CSS Virginia against the USS Monitor, and were called to perform many special operations afterwards and throughout the war. Although many records were destroyed after the war, the CSMC continued to retain its reputation as one of the best of the time, even after they were disbanded.

Frustrations

People frustrate me. What is it about getting a significant other that pushes all your old friends away? Why do you push away people you've known one, three, five, eight years longer than you've known your newest infatuation or something? I don't get it. I don't get why it's the girls that push away their older friends as soon as they get a boyfriend. Guys don't seem to do that, so why do girls? How come all the girls I know push me away as soon as they're with the current love of their life, but the guys just act like nothings really different and talk to me same as they used to? Why can't more people be like those guys? I mean, they're there with you side by side when things are going well for you both, and bad for you both. Girls push friends away when things are going well for them - I don't know how they expect people to still be there for them when things go to hell later on. Why should I be there when someone is having a shitty day, when they've pushed me away when things were going well for them? Doesn't make sense why I'd still be around to listen or talk then. I wanna be friends with people when they're happy AND sad, not just when they need that shoulder to lean on. Which I find is what people seem to want me there for. I'm sorry, but I'm just getting hurt one too many times to put up with this any longer. With five of my friends pushing me away as soon as they got a boyfriend, my caring is fading quickly. I mean if you can't make time for me when things are going well on your end, I don't have time to be there for you when it falls apart in front of your eyes. This isn't directed at one or two of you individually, this isn't an attack. But a few of you, I think, know you're the ones adding to my lack of caring. Just think about it from other angles, won't you?

I'm so confused and lost as to what to do. I don't get it; I don't understand. :-\


Oh yeah, and thanks boys, for being there to talk to. When you have a girlfriend and when you don't, when you're happy and when your sad, both.